Life Lessons: Confrontation

Most of us encounter confrontational and hostile people at some point in our lives. These individuals may exist in our personal sphere or professional environment. On the surface, they may come across as domineering, demanding, or even abusive.

I am sure in your business or personal life you have encountered these personalities:

• The Know-It-Alls – They’re arrogant and usually have an opinion on every issue. When they’re wrong, they get defensive.
• The Passives – These people never offer ideas or let you know where they stand, and often ask questions as incosive jabs.
• The Dictators – They bully and intimidate. They’re constantly demanding and brutally critical.
• The Gripers – Is anything ever right with them? They prefer complaining to finding solutions.
• The “Yes” People – They agree to any commitment, yet rarely deliver. You can’t trust them to follow through.
• The “No” People – They are quick to point out why something won’t work. Worse, they’re inflexible.

You may recognize some of these personalities among the people you work with, sell to, depend on, or live with.  The causes for their behavior are many and often complex. They include pathological anger, hyper-aggression, pathological bullying, narcissistic rage, post-traumatic stress disorder, brain trauma, substance abuse, and life crises.

I had an employee once, Ricki.  He was a “NO” person. No matter how diligently the software team explained a new feature that satisfied a customer request, he would poopoo it.  The team was getting sick of his negativity and I knew I had to confront him.

I know, most people hate confrontation. But avoiding a confrontation comes with great costs, to both sides. The person not being confronted may have no idea what he/she is doing or saying is an issue for anyone. For that person, not being confronted comes at a cost: a lost opportunity to improve, a lost opportunity for a closer relationship, and at work maybe even a lost opportunity for promotion or keeping the job.

The cost for the individual who refuses the confrontation can be even greater. The lack of courage to confront someone can result in never-ending frustration, poor mental health, damaged relationships, and if in a leadership position, poor performance on the part of his/her team.

One thing I have learned is that many people approach confrontation with the worst of motives: “winning” the confrontation at all costs.

It is better to approach the confrontation with empathy and compassion. The goal should not be to “win” a confrontation. The goal should be for both sides to maintain their self-esteem, better understand their situation, and build a stronger relationship. Ah! But there is a caveat: the goal is only achievable if the confrontation takes place.

There are ways to make the confrontation beneficial to both parties, but it takes a bit of effort. To confront in the right way pay attention to these key points:

• Stick to the facts. Do you understand the facts? Have you asked enough questions to understand the situation from all sides? Are you confronting while angry with raw emotion or are you prepared to confront with compassion built on a desire to help? Is there an upside to the confrontation that is measurable? Keep in mind if nothing can change then nothing will change. If you’re confronting someone over a situation that cannot change then you’re just “venting.” Venting is very one-sided because while you may feel better for a short time it doesn’t help anyone else.
• Know the person you’re confronting. How much do you know about the person you’re about to confront? Unless you know the person well it’s best to begin your conversation with questions. If you begin with a tone of confrontation you risk shutting the other person down, stalling whatever progress that may have been possible. If you want the other person to change something about his/her behavior then don’t start with criticism. It is very difficult to help people see the benefit of changing behavior if you don’t understand why they behave the way they do.
• Make the fault seem easy to correct. Never make a situation worse than it is. Do not exaggerate. Your confrontation must be based on documented facts, not opinions. You MUST approach a confrontation with an open mind and be willing to admit that you may be a part of the reason for the confrontation. No matter your title, your role, or your level of success, always consider the possibility that the real source of the problem stares back at you from the mirror every morning.
• Move forward towards improvement. Once you laid out your “case” then allow some time for the message to sink in. Ask the other person if they can restate what you’ve said to make certain what you said was understood. Then move forward. An effective confrontation need not be a lengthy conversation. You don’t need to bury the other person with examples, especially old examples from years past. Finish with a compliment. If you can’t think of a compliment then you’re not yet ready for a confrontation.

Above all, don’t think of confrontation in terms of winning and losing. It’s about caring enough to confront with compassion and helping another human being become the best possible version of themselves.

However, there are times when the desired outcome is not possible.  This occurs when the confronted person sees no need to change behavior. In those cases I have the following actions helpful:

• Listen Actively. Give the other person a chance to express his/her perspective. Sometimes understanding his/her viewpoint can help find common ground.
• Set Boundaries. Communicate your boundaries and the consequences if they are not respected. Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries.
• Seek Mediation. If the situation doesn’t improve, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a mediator or counselor, to facilitate the conversation.
• Know When to Walk Away. If the person is unwilling to change and his/her behavior continues to negatively impact you, it may be necessary to distance yourself from the relationship.

Remember, you can’t control someone else’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to it.

So, how did I deal with Ricki?  We had a good conversation.  He acknowledged his behavior but rationalized it by viewing his negativity as the way he contributed to building a better product.  After our discussion, we settled on an approach: every time he pointed to something negatively, he had to suggest a better approach.  The confrontation led to him being received as a contributor instead of a nay-sayer. Ricki won and the team won.